I had closed the door upon my heart
and wouldn't let anyone in
I had trusted and loved only to be hurt
but that would never happen again
I locked the door and
tossed the key as
hard and as far as I could
My heart was closed for good
Then you came into my life and
made me change my mind
just when I thought that
tiny key was impossible to find
that is when you held out your hand
and proved me wrong
inside your palm was the
Key to My Heart
You had it all along
Sat, Sep 13th, 2008
I must confess there had been times if I loved us less I'd leave us behind.
Then somehow my heart sees forgotten memories and compared to times
We had it all the painful moments seem so small
The moment it seems
The feeling is gone.
Then yesterday dreams are there hanging on
And all that we have done since we have lived as one
Keeps stirring up that part of me that knows how strong our love can be
And I want to try once more for the good times
The smiles that used to be.
We've got to try again to build another loving memory.
Fri, Sep 5th, 2008
"I'd like to run away
From you,
But if you didn't come
And find me ...
I would die. "
Before you,
Every day was a mountain I had to climb,
and so I stood ready, sterile; anxious to make it through. Terrified of the day I couldnt do it again.
Since you,
Every day is just one more step in the path, horrible or wonderful,it doesnt matter. Tomorrow will bring something new.
I know Ive been throwing up mountains where there was barely a bump. I know I act irrational and insane and leave you scratching your head. I had forgotten what life was like when you could just be in the moment, content and curious, just watching the days roll by. I need a struggle, I need to control as much as possible so life cant sneak up behind me.
Somewhere in me though is someone who loves you very much! Who looks forward to seeing you, who loves coming home to you and who has no vision of a future where you're not at his side. I promise... someday I will yank that boy out of his hole and let him live in the sunlight with you. Until then, I just wanted to say thank you for trudging along after me and being willing to climb my imaginary mountains. I love you
Imzadi
Thu, Aug 28th, 2008
We've been through rough times and the hardest may be
Yet to come
But remember
The best things in life
Don’t come easily
Changes must sometimes be made
And we must not be afraid
To make them
For if we always remain the same we will fail to grow but if we can grow
Together
We will have a love
That is known by
So very few.
Love Me
Mon, Aug 25th, 2008
I don’t want someone telling me what to do.
I don’t want to find out my temper grew wings and flew to you.
Don’t want somebody telling me what’s not right.
But I just want you to love me.
I don’t want to have to lie about what’s inside.
When there’s always been a tiny part of me I’m trying to hide.
I don’t want to see your expression when I let you down.
And I just want you to love me.
There’s a haiku poem inside of my head.
But the words are written in invisible ink.
Now the world is changing I can barely keep up.
What was hot is over .
What was down is not.
Now Adam and Eve are trying to split up.
And I can’t take anymore because I just want you to love me.
Love me.
Someone tO Fall Back On
Mon, Aug 25th, 2008
Someone To Fall Back On
I’ll never be
A knight in armor
With a sword in hand,
Or a kamikaze fighter;
Don’t count on me
To storm the barricades
And take a stand,
Or hold my ground;
You’ll never see
Any scars or wounds -
I don’t walk on coals,
I won’t walk on water:
I am no prince,
I am no saint,
I am not anyone’s wildest dream,
But I can stand behind
And be someone to fall back on.
Some comedy -
You’re bruised and beaten down
And I’m the one
Who’s looking for a favor.
Still, honestly,
You don’t believe me
But the things I have
Are the things you need.
You look at me
Like I don’t make sense,
Like a waste of time,
Like it serves no purpose -
I am no prince,
I am no saint,
And if that’s what you believe you need,
You’re wrong - you don’t need much,
You need someone to fall back on...
And I’ll be that:
I’ll take your side.
If I’m the only one,
I’m used to that.
I’ve been alone,
I’d rather be
The half of us,
The least of you,
The best of me.
And I will be
Your prince,
I’ll be your saint,
I will go crashing through fences
In your name. I will, I swear -
I’ll be someone to fall back on!
I’ll be the one who waits,
And for as long as you’ll let me,
I will be the one you need.
I’ll be someone to fall back on:
Your prince,
Your saint,
The one you believe you need
I’ll be - I’ll be
Someone to fall back on.
Mon, Aug 11th, 2008
Do not be fooled by me. Do not be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks- masks that I am afraid to take off and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that is second nature with me but don't be fooled,
for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure That all is sunny and unruffled with me within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!
My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask, my ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lays no smugness, no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weaknesses and fear exposing them. That's why I frantically create my masks to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation, and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance, and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself from my own self-built prison walls
I dislike hiding, honestly I dislike the superficial game I'm playing, the superficial phony game. I'd really like to be genuine and me. But I need your help, your hand to hold Even though my masks would tell you otherwise That glance from you is the only thing that assures me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to. I’m afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh and your laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good and you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game with a facade of assurance without, and a trembling child within. So begins the parade of masks, the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say but what I can not say. It will not be easy for you, long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational; I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
You wonder who I am you shouldn't for I am every man and every woman who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.
Sun, Aug 10th, 2008
I think horrible is still coming, right now its worse! Right now Im just trying to keep from dying. I cant breathe.
You Are Internal - Skeptic - Powerful
Wed, Jun 11th, 2008
You feel your life is controlled internally.
If you want something, you make it happen.
You don't wait around for things to go your way.
You value your independence and don't like others to have control.
You are a total skeptic when it comes to luck.
You believe that people use luck as a crutch to avoid responsibility.
You control your own destiny. The universe has nothing to do with it.
You believe everything can be explained - and you tend to over analyze situations.
When it comes to who's in charge, it's you.
Life is a kingdom, and you're the grand ruler.
You don't care much about what others think.
But they better care what you think!
Its All Worth It
Wed, May 28th, 2008
"Life and Death, War and Peace
If I stopped today, it was still worth it, even the terrible mistakes that I made, and would have unmade if I could... the pains that have burned me and scarred my soul. It was worth it.. for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it and above"
Gia Carangi
Wed, May 28th, 2008
My skin is like a map of where my heart has been...
And I can't hide the marks, but it's not a negative thing...
So I let down my guard, drop my defenses down by my clothes...
I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow...
I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me...
I found your fingerprints on a glass of wine...
Do you know you're leaving them all over this heart of mine too?
But if I never take this leap of faith I'll never know...
So I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow...
Anyone who can touch you, can hurt you or heal you
Anyone who can reach you, can love you
Tue, Apr 1st, 2008
"As we grow up,
we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down...
probably will.
You will have your heart broken
probably more than once
and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too,
so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast
and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures,
laugh too much,
and love like you have never been hurt
because every sixty seconds you spend upset
is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."
"Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin."
Someone
Sun, Mar 23rd, 2008
Someone that I can give my all to.
Someone that when I ask if they're hungry say yes instead of no when they really are.
Someone that will cuddle at night.
Someone that will say I love you and mean it.
Someone that won't take what they have for granted.
Someone that will realize I am me, and love me for that.
Someone that will be true.
Someone that does what they say and means what they do.
Someone that will fight when the time comes,instead of run.
Someone that knows i'm worth the wait.
Someone that understands I’m not a slut.
Someone I can trust, because they deserve to be trusted.
Someone that likes to go out, but also enjoys staying in and watching a movie at home.
Someone that will FIGHT for what they want and NOT STOP until they get it!
Someone that won't just want to be friends.
Someone that will think about me when i'm not there.
Someone that won't nit pick every fucking thing.
SOMEONE THAT ISN'T A FUCKING PUSHOVER!
Someone that won't fuck all my friends.
Someone that will be a real friend.
Someone that won't drink all my diet coke.
Someone that won't like me because of what I drive or how I look.
Someone that can offer me something I don't have.
Someone that can look past my faults, because I'll look past theirs.
Someone that isn't fake, but doesn't try SO DAMN HARD to be 'real'.
Someone that will have my back because they know I have theirs.
Someone that understands drama is TWO PART and they have a CHOICE.
Someone that won't just leave me in the dust.
Someone that will pick me up when I fall.
Someone that knows my close friends are my family, and that I would die for them.
Someone that doesn't just want some ass.
Someone that won't make empty promises.
Someone that won't look at the menu when they're with me, and more so importantly, when they're not.
Someone that won't be fake to your face to get what they want.
Someone that won't jack ALL MY SHIT.
Someone that won't bide their time and wait for the perfect moment to strike.
Someone that doesn't try to get everyone to feel so sorry for them.
Someone that will be there for me... cause I've been there for them.
Someone that will know i'm not a 24/7 tech support line,and call me just when they have a problem.
Someone that knows my job isn't just a job ... it is my responsibility, and that sometimes yes, that does come first.
Someone that will let me pay for them, but will also surprise me.
Someone that is romantic and knows that I LOVE getting flowers.
Someone that most importantly won't drop me when the new thing comes along...I'm not an object to be thrown around at will.
Someone that will take what I say with meaning, when I say your beautiful,guess what ... I mean it!
Someone that won't be on their phone non-stop when they're with me.
Someone that will call me baby in the day, sweetie and night, and wake up with a smile on his face just because he woke up to another day.
Someone that can support themselves, but will also let someone support them.
Someone who wants to see me everyday, because their heart hurts just as bad as mine when they don't.
Someone that won't change if they are with their friends, or out in public.
Someone that won't leave when times get crazy, but will fight it out ... because I would do it for them.
Someone that will cuddle at night and not turn the other way if they had a bad day.
Someone that likes chocolate. Someone that will make me cry, laugh, and make me mad ... then kiss me.
Mon, Jan 14th, 2008
Sometimes, the love we are looking for is right in front of us - too close for the eyes to see. So, close your eyes and let your heart see for itself....
Regret
Thu, Nov 15th, 2007
Burning softly like a candle flame, your love warmed my heart.
A free and beautiful spirit, vibrant and alive was what you were to me. Only with your caring heart for others could you be grounded.
When tears ran rivers down my cheeks, a smile pulled at your lips. You could move mountains with that smile.
No challenge was too big, no goal too high...
But then in our shared stubbornness we both lost a dear part of us on that day.
I will always regret what I let go, what I failed to see until after the time had passed. But I will always remember the brief light you shone in my life.
Reading through some of my old poetry it reminded me of someone very dear to me. He may not know it but I still hold a place in my heart for him. For he was one of the truest, earnest, honest and best friends I could ever have had. I will always regret letting him go. We were so alike. Stubborn and footloose with great aspirations. Never scared to speak what was on our minds. Maybe that was our downfall though.
I tried to write a poem to express my feelings but when it comes to talking about me and my life words escape me so I will say it bluntly. The point of this is to remind you of what you all have. Don't make the same mistake I did, I may say it time and time again but don't take for granted the love and help of your friends and family. And never hesitate to tell them how much they mean to you! They are the most precious possessions you have.
GoodBye My Friend
Tue, Nov 13th, 2007
You seem to think that this is another one of our fights, and that once we sit down and talk everything will be resolved.
You are totally wrong on this count. You took the friendship for granted, you weren't there when I needed you the most,
and you even caused unnecessary shit when I psychologically couldn't handle it,
and you don't see you did anything wrong at all.
Even when you recognize that you were a bad friend, you blamed me for being too good of a friend to you.
You demand forgiveness without contrition or atonement, and god knows I obliged you in the past, but no more!
This relationship is permenantly damaged, and the friendship is beyond repair.
It has been for quite some time, I just didn't notice it. Or maybe I just didn't want to admit it to myself.
Either way, we are through. You should know this. We can meet and talk about it,
but I don't think it would be of any use. It's probably better this way.
I wish you all the best in life, and all the luck in the world.
I hope you find friends who will be able to handle..well..you,
and who wouldn't "give up and flee" like you said I did.
I tried, but I couldn't. It was too much to care for you when you didn't care for yourself,
or even act as if you cared about me.
It was an abusive relationship in every definition of the word,
and its expiration date has been long overdue.
I hope that not everybody ends up feeling this way I do,
because you deserve people caring for you and being there for you.
I just regret I couldn't be one of them.
My Mind
Thu, Nov 1st, 2007
Sometimes we put up walls, not to block people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.
Wed, Sep 26th, 2007
"Love isn't a decision... It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler... but much less magical. Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind!
Thoughts About Me
Sun, Jun 17th, 2007
Over the past few years I have learned a lot about myself and the type of person I want to be, and what direction I want to go in my life. I have had many experiences and accomplished a lot. Some of these experiences have been very rewarding, and others after left me very numb, and hurt. I have learned from all of my experiences, for better or for worse. I am lucky though, I always have my health and my career, and the greatest group of friends a guy could ever want. I have accepted myself for who I am, and I truly don’t care if anyone else accepts me or not, other then those who are close to me. I have learned that life is an endless journey. We are always having new experiences, exposing ourselves to new ideas. I have discovered however it’s what we do with that new found knowledge that makes the difference. It is an easier road traveled that is lived in ignorance, and a much harder and rewarding one for those who choose to fight, to go beyond just surviving day to day, or giving up. We all have dreams, and they should be followed, even if someone else doesn’t agree, or think it isn't worth while. It is your dream and it is up to you to follow it and fight to live and not exist. The world truly owes us no favors, and if we want better for ourselves then it is up to us to make it happen. Follow your dreams and follow your heart, and you will be a much happier person. Don't be afraid to go against the norm, or the stereotypes and the rest of the bullshit we put on ourselves. Fight your ego, control it don't let it control you. Live life and enjoy your winnings, but don't forget that you learn more from your mistakes, and heartaches. Be yourself and not what others expect or think you should be. Be honest with yourself and the person next to you always, honesty brings trust and understanding. Stand up for yourself. Cherish your friends, there the ones who will fight for you, and stand by you through thick and thin! It seems we spend so much time on the material, and the physical, but what about the emotional, and the spiritual, and the things that truly make us who we are? Rebel against ego, break the cycle, and take the time to love the people in your life, and to love yourself. And remember, the best things in life are the things we fight for and work are asses off for, not those things that are just handed to us. We respect what we earn, and we cherish it even more if we have to work for it. Life isn't easy and we may all be thrown a few curve balls from time to time, but we face nothing we can't over come. Respect and love the relationships that you have in your life. Relationships with others help build our persona. There are those relationships that open you up to something new and exciting.... those that are old; that bring up lots of questions...... those that bring you some place unexpected........ those that take you far from where you started.... and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of them all is the one you have with yourself, and if you are lucky enough find the one to love the you that you love, well then that is just fabulous!
I Dont Know
Fri, Jun 1st, 2007
I wake up everyday and go through life in a daze. I know there must be something better for me out there. I just don't know where to look for it. In this poem I talk about all my confusion and insecurities. I just don't know where I should be at this point in my life and it burdens me everyday. But then I realized maybe this is how life is. We can't always be happy with everything in our lives.
Wed, Apr 25th, 2007
When one loves completely, but the love is not returned, they must bestow a most painful gift. That of letting go. For if you love someone, you will do anything you can to make them happy. No matter how much it hurts.
Wed, Apr 25th, 2007
The perfect love, the perfect sharing, the perfect feeling, is what we all seem to be looking for. Some find it and some dream of it. I still dream and write about it. Perhaps one day I'll get lucky and find it
About Me
Sun, Jun 18th, 2006
My life although I haven't lived a great lot of it yet. Has never really been easy.
I wish I could express it as a picture, to try and make people understand.
But I cant! Its an aurora of emotions. And no one can reach them but me!
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